I created this blog to talk mostly about my personal struggle with mental illness, how I pursue mental wellness, and how to prevent and overcome suicide and suicidal thoughts.
There’s another aspect to my struggle that I have not talked about much on this blog. Not only do I have many mental illnesses, which include borderline personality disorder, bipolar II, post traumatic stress disorder, and general anxiety disorder, but I also have several other medical conditions that cause chronic pain.
I have chronic pain nearly all over my body. On any given day I could be experiencing back pain, leg pain, hip pain, knee pain, neck pain, muscle pain, burning sensations throughout, and various other painful symptoms, nearly always at one time. My daily average on the pain scale, 1 being least amount and 10 being the worst pain you can imagine, sits around a 6. I see many doctors for the various issues I have that cause the pain, including a pain management specialist.
The struggle to get proper treatment for chronic pain, especially when you have a mental illness medical record, can be very difficult, if not impossible. Many are assumed to be drug seekers, or disbelieved as it all being in their head. To that I say, “Duh!” The brain is part of the body and chronic pain is a brain disorder. Chronic pain differs wildly, and vastly, from acute pain. It is no longer pain caused by an injury but rather pain caused by a signal in the brain on repeat. The switch never gets flipped back off after the injury heals and so the pain signal continues. The link between the brain and chronic pain is undeniable and scientifically proven.
Can chronic pain cause you to be depressed? Absolutely. It can either cause it or it can exacerbate an already present depression disorder. Can depression cause pain? Yes, it can. For those with existing chronic pain, depression can amplify the pain. It’s a vicious circling cycle of misery. Does this mean that the pain experience is contrived and not real? Absolutely not. It is very real. And there are very real medications that help dampen the pain signal very effectively.
It has taken years of pinballing my way around the medical community to finally find my current, and most wonderful, pain specialist. I was referred to her by my primary care doctor, with whom I have a solid foundation and relationship. It’s important for those with chronic pain and chronic disorders or diseases to maintain a relationship with a primary care provider. Your primary care doctor will advocate for you and will know best which specialists they trust and work well with. In this case, my physician’s professional relationship with my pain doctor has added validity to my request for effective pain management. It takes a medical village to keep a chronically ill person going with a tolerable quality of life.
While medications can and do offer me a better quality of life, my best coping tool is my humor, and my willingness to laugh at myself and my chronic conditions. I choose to not let them be my identity. I choose to not let them rule my day or my mind. It isn’t exactly easy and there are days I want to crawl into a hole, pull the dirt back over me, and die; terrible truth. However, having such a dedicated team of doctors, an empowering and supportive circle of friends, and goals for the future keep me going even on the darkest of days.
I hope for a day when all pain patients are treated with dignity and respect. I hope for the day when doctors truly find empathy for their patients and see their humanity and not just charts and tests. I hope for the day when having mental illness is not an indictment against your character, and an excuse for medical professionals to dismiss patients as drug seekers. I hope for a day that mental illness and chronic pain are curable, but until then, I hope most for courage to still see the beauty in this life and to be present each day.
Dear Suicide, 