Treasure This Time

I’ll be leaving tomorrow on a trip to North Carolina. I’ll be visiting with friends, many of whom I consider family. I thought long and hard and decided that I will not be visiting with any blood family.

The last time I visited blood family was in 2013 and it was for 11 days, and about 3 days into the trip, I was miserable. My family is not easy to get along with. I ended up having a mental breakdown 3 days before leaving and stayed in a room in my father’s house, sleeping as much as possible. My family made no effort to understand me, or comfort me. I was judged mercilessly. That was no vacation. It was a form of hell that I never intend to experience again.

It’ll be different this time. I’ll be with friends who accept me and my disabilities, including my mental illness. They understand depression. They understand chronic pain. They don’t hush me or tell me to buck up and deal. I do deal, but in doing so, I talk about what I’m going through, and for whatever reason, that is simply not something anyone in my family is comfortable with or appreciates.

My main goal is to have fun. I have a hard time with having fun. I often feel guilty, or pressed to do something more productive. Depression often gets in the way of having fun, too. However, I’m really going to push myself to make time to have as much fun as possible. I’m spending quality time with people I love and admire which is precious, and will provide a lifetime of memories.

I aim to treasure this time, take in every moment, and to be present.